Hogwarts Squares
by Star E. Night
Summary: This is an imitation of Hollywood squares. If you have never heard of that it is a trivia gameshow. this is stupid it is strictly for humor!


HOGWARTS SQUARES Disclaimer: Why are you (the reader) even bothering to read the fine print? There is no point! All that happens is I tell you how proud I am to own the Harry Potter books and characters. Although many will insist they are owned by J.K. Rowling. I own everything! Mwahahahahahha! Bweehehehehehehehe! Just kidding. I own nothing but this plot. Actually I don't own anything cuz this has no plot ! 

A/N: this is a take off on hollywood squares. Which in case you havent heard of ( if u havent wat planet hav u bn on ??????? jk) it s a game show that s a mix between trivia and tic tak toe

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HOGWARTS SQUARES

CHAPTER 1

INTRO and PART OF ROUND 1, Day one

*theme song starts*

*Tom Bearguron steps up to his place*

Tom: Welcome to Hollywood Squares!

Toni-

*Lee Jordan appears out of nowhere*

Lee: Move over Tom! I'm the host now

*evil laugh*

*Lee shoves Tom who then disappears*

Star E. Night: Let's start this thing over.

*theme song starts up again but different this time*

"Oh I love Hogwarts

I love all its features 

Except maybe the teachers

I love Hogwarts!"

Announcer (professor Mcgonagall): This week on Double Days it's two guests per square, and they are…

Miss Granger … oops I mean…

Hermione Granger and

Ron Weasley

Gilderoy Lockhart and 

Rita Skeeter

The Weasley Twins and

Dudley Dursley

Vincent Crabbe and 

Gregory Goyle

Harry Potter and

Colin Creevey

Ginny Weasley and

Dobby… um…er…

Dobby…Dobby Elf

Draco Malfoy and 

Sirius Black

Severus Snape and

Viktor Krum

And in our BONUS BOX…

(You Know Who)…I mean…

Voldemort…Voldemort…

Oh heck he has no first name…

Or is it the last he is missing…

Tom Riddle (Voldemort) and

Neville Longbottom

AND STARRING…

Albus Dumbledore!!!!!!!

And oh yes that other person…

I mean his partner…

Oh all right Sybill Trelawney 

Oh yay we all care… uh I mean…

Bravo for the two of them

And here's your host…

Lee Jordan!

*Lee Jordan apparates to the host's stand*

Lee: Hello everyone and welcome to Hogwarts Squares! Today our 

contestants are… Miss Fleur Delacour from France and Mr. Peter 

Pettigrew (everyone's favorite person) from good old England, I have 

to compliment him there. (then turning to the contestants) Who won 

the hat pick backstage?

Peter: I did.

Lee: All right you will go first.

Peter: Okay. I'll take my Master and Neville for 500 please. 

Lee: (clears throat loudly) Let's have our two contestants tell us a little 

about themselves.

Peter: I thought you said I could go first!

Lee: You can, but later.

Peter: I want to go now! 

Lee: You do realize that you are on national television.

Peter: Hmmm…Let me see I'll take-

Lee: Let's take a commercial break.

Peter: No I-

Lee: Shut up you stupid prat!

Peter: Hmph!

__

Hogwarts Squares is sponsered by…

Ollivanders

Supplying wands since the year 382 B.C.

(by the same wizard too)

Sparks of magic!

Also by…

Figs For Food

"Fig-uratively Speaking…It's Magic!" 

And lastly by… 

Zonkos Joke Shop

"Turning frowns upside-down for over 50 years."

*first commercial begins*

Little boy: Mommy, I want to go get ice cream at Florean Fortesque's!

Mother: Take the card. *hands her son a little red card card*

Little boy: *holds card tight * I want ice cream! Pumpkin cream! *Ice cream appears*

Little girl: Daddy I want a pet!

Father: Use the card. *hands his daughter a little red card*

Little girl: *clutches card tight* I want a kitty, owl, rat, frog, and a newt! *pets appear* 

Lonely child: *holding little red card in her hand* I want a lot of friends, to be popular, and a loving family! 

*nothing happens*

Narrator (which happens to be Star E. Night): There are something magic can't get. For everything else there's MagiCard.

**__**

*second commercial starts*

Men are sitting around a table in a pub, drinking butterbeer, and talking of the day's events. One man brought his pet owl and it is in its cage and sitting next to him. The owner of the owl finishes his butterbeer.

Owl owner: *unlocks the owl's cage and gives him a few knuts* go buy me some more beer !

*owl flutters off to the bar* the bartender gives the owl a mug. A guzzling sound can be heard.

Owl owner: No! Bring the beer here!

**__**

"Butterbeer, magically irresistible, warms your heart and soul"

Night: And now back to the show!

Lee: All right everyone, welcome back to Hogwarts Squares! Miss 

Delacour, tell us about yourself, sivo pleit.

Fleur: Don't even try.

Lee: Try what?

Fleur: You know.

Lee: What?!?!?!

Fleur: To speak French. You're a failure in zat department, and I CAN 

speak Eenglish, by ze way.

Lee: Umm…moving on. So, now that we've cleared that up, will you tell us 

about yourself please?

Fleur: I 'ave just graduated from Beauxbatons Academy, and I am 'oping to 

get a job 'ere in Eengland. Also, I am part veela.

Lee: Thank you very much Miss Delacour. And now Mr. Pettigrew…

Peter: *stares at his hands*

Lee: Mr. Pettigrew!!!

Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, did you say something?

Lee: *gives him "the look"*

Peter: What?

Lee: *through gritted teeth* Would you be so kind as to tell us about 

yourself?

Peter: Right…well, I'm a bit of a coward, I'm actually an unregistered 

animagus and I USED to work for the Dark Side *notices Voldemort 

looking venemously at him, and gulps* Er… that is… I still DO work 

for ummm… the Dark Side.

Audience: BOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Peter: *cowers and turns into a rat* 

Lee: You're not allowed to use magic here, Mr. Pettigrew. Change back at 

once!

Peter: *remains a rat*

Sirius: You coward!!! You haven't changed a bit since you gave Lily and 

James to Voldemort! (audience gasps) Yes, that's right, I said he gave 

them to Voldemort, not me, and I'm innocent!!!

Lee: Well, that's wonderful news, Mr. Black, and now that Peter has finally 

agreed to change into himself, let us begin the game. And I hope that 

you all know the rules, because I don't want to explain them. Mr. 

Pettigrew, since you won the hat pick backstage, you'll go first.

Peter: Ok, as I said before, I'll take my Master and Neville for 500.

Lee: Umm…Peter, this isn't Jeopardy!

Peter: It isn't?

Lee: NO!

Peter: Then can you explain the rules?

Lee: Okay, but I'm only doing this once. There are nine squares, plus one 

bonus box (added there to include more characters) and the object of 

the game is to get three squares in a row. Peter is the 'o' and Fleur is 

the 'x.' When the contestant chooses a square, the person in the 

square must answer the question that is given to them. The contestant 

that has chosen the square must then say either 'agree' or 'disagree' 

according to the answer that the person (or people) in the square gives. 

Confusing? Muhahaha, you'll get the hang of it. And now, Peter, 

choose a square.

Peter: Okay. Umm… My Master and Neville for 500 (being the stupid git 

that he is, Peter still doesn't understand that he's not playing 

Jeopardy).

Lee: *sighs exasperatedly* You know what? Miss Delacour, you may go 

first.

Peter: *in his usual whiny voice* But I won the hat pick backstage!

Lee: Do I look like I CARE? Good, because you probably cheated anyway. 

Miss Delacour, you may proceed.

Fleur: Zank you. I choose Dumbly-dorr and Professor Trewlaney.

Lee: Okay, thank god you know what game we're playing. Right, well the 

question is 'What was the former profession of the famous singer 

Celestina Warbeck?'

Dumbledore: I believe the answer is –

Trewlaney: The fates have informed me that she was formerly a bartender 

at-wait its coming… at The Leaky Cauldron!

Dumbledore: Well… that was odd… I was going to say that she was a 

candy shop owner. Yes, we'll go with candy shop owner.

Trelawney: Hey, this isn't only your square!

Dumbledore: Of course it is. Because I am smarter than you by far.

Trelawney: Aaah, we rare few who possess the inner eye, so misunderstood 

by our fellow beings. *she says tragically*

Fleur: Agree.

Lee: You are correct! Celistina Warbeck was the owner of Honeyknights.

That shop soon ran out of buisiness because of its similarity to 

Honeydukes. X gets the square.

Mr. Pettigrew, it is now your turn. And I pray to god that you now

know what game we're playing!

Peter: *finally having caught onto the rules after much thinking* I'll take 

Harry and Colin.

Lee: All right here's your question. How many years had gone by without 

having 1st years at Hogwarts play Quittitch before Harry Potter?

Harry: Er… umm… Wood told me this in my 1st year but I cant remember!

Colin: Oh, I know! Harry was the first 1st year player in a century! Isn't he 

amazing?! I mean I doubt I could ever do that! I-

Lee: Shut up you stupid prat! Just give the answer!

Colin: *sulking* 100 years.

Peter: Disagree.

Lee: Inncorrect! X gets the square. We'll be able after a quick break while 

we help people who think certain things like Harry and Hermione are in love grow a brain.

Harry: Ewww, people actually think that? Hermione is like my best friend!

Hermione: What is their problem!

Ron:*clenches his fists and turns very red*

A/N: All right then pls review! If you have read Blossoming Love written by *hermiron778* then if you are smart you will have gathered that we are sisters. If you haven't read Blossoming Love you should! Any way pls review and don't b 2 harsh this is my first comedy fic. H/h supporters pls don't flame me cuz of my comment!


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